life & death, & those we leave behind

2/26/20

driving cross country with my brother. taking in the beauty of arizona/new Mexico , grand canyon and national parks areas. certainly beautiful but something needed to be experienced. not just observed. driving thru is not enough. not unlike life itself. 

experience alone is what I seek. I am longing to make jokes with my son and goof around and be with him and my wife. and feel them in the car with me. 

I am just a spec. this earth is enormous. I am insignificant. not many people will remember me just a few decades after I die. so how can we impact the present. experience the now. 

one thing that I wrestle with and had a convo with my brother about, we were talking about planning for the future, retirement, finances, etc. and having to plan for extended care for my son. I want him to live a long happy life. but we don't know if I will outlive him. I know super morbid but it's what I grapple with. life. death. does it matter. I know the answer is, it depends. but in terms of my son, my intense fear is… losing him. but maybe even more severe is my wife and I both passing and not knowing who will care for him. who be there for him. who will communicate with him. who will Cath him. who will take him to doctors appots. who will be there to love him the way we do. the reality is, the possibility of independence for him is super low at this point. which is sad, exhausting, so many things. my god so many things combine into this unreal feeling. the upside it is a feeling of being alive, altho it's grim or intense, or difficult to bear. I do really feel alive in those moments, like ok I see you feeling of pressure sadness fear, but I got this. and maybe that's why I fear dying before him before the alternative. which the opposite would be every parents worst nightmare. but I also have to contemplate how much of that is the EGO, wanting to persevere. is it as benevolent as I perceive or am I telling myself that. I don't believe that, but I have to obseve that as a possibility.

My son is an incredible beautiful child. my child. something my wife and I can give to the world. because he truly give s a light to the world. he warms people's hearts in a way only we could dream of. I know I'm a failure, and weak, but I am an awesome dad. I give all of myself to be the best for him. I will fight til my last breath for him. 

I am terrified of death tho. somerijng I need to observe and deal with. not only because of the end of my existence but because how much work burden it would put on Becky. being a parent in our situation is like a parenting x2 equation. at the minimum. at times it's even more. and there's no end point. which is certainly beautiful I'm most regards. I have heard some parents say I can't wait til they go to college, or we will figure it out, or we will make it work. shame on them. your children are gifts. that we have but 1 chhance with. and it will be difficult and may be filled with negative things and mistakes on both sides. but it is your relationship to build, preserve, nurture, explore. if we all did this, the world would be a better place. it's not that I think we are better than anyone, but because we ar forced to shift our perspective and refocus our ideals and dreams we have had the opportunity to contemplate. gabe will likely not be growing up and moving out. we have to plan for him to be with us forever. and I'm ok with that. I will get to be with my son in ways that not many people will. and yes it will more difficult and trying and touring for sure. 

all this kobe passing stuff, has brought up some emotions that I'm not sure with that click the way they do.  kobe was a force in the world. so I think I feel the reverberations of that comically, truly. he was a fierce competitor, redeemed in many ways off the court. but he turned out to be an exemplary father. but that aspect has had me contemplate some of the things I have thought about but literally buried in my mind. like coaching. I would have loved to have my son even try some of the stuff I did athletically. I mean that shit is truly insignificant 335.y1in terms of life but it had value to me before. but it is just another thought that has died. I had to kill it, I had to bury it down in the depth of my wacky brain. grief comes in different ways, and for me, for us, we grieve the death of expectations, of hopes, dreams. what we thought life would be as parents. I wanted several children. but its like I almost can't even feel that part of me anymore. in order to conquer it, I had to communicate with Becky, we had to decide together that it wouldn't work. explore why it wouldn't. and feel that and sit with that. and then we prob had that conversation and that vetting process, another dozen times until we were really sure. and in thatvway I was able to put it down, so maybe mot kill it, but take it to the vet and put it down. it's not my enemy, it's the pet that I just knew it was time. damn. that might be a perfect analogy. I'm not angry about it but damn it hurts. I had to say, I love u (idea of life, parenthood, that I wanted) but you are not well and it's not best for you or me for you to come back to my house. it's crushing. no one did anything to deserve this. it just happened. and here we are. but the feeling was still there. like the ashes of what could have been.