comparison is the thief of joy

I’m a little lost today. A little down today. I think it’s over confusion and comparison. It’s over desperation and pressure. I feel confused about what’s next professionally in life. I feel down because I go on vacation and I’m more exhausted than when I left. Is that vacation for all parents? Im away and I’m comparing. Seeing people out to eat. Doing what they want. And we still live in a bubble because it’s the right thing to do and the safest thing for our son. It’s so hard to shield him from everything but trying to mitigate risk is difficult too. He had such a fun time. He was sad to leave. He enjoyed the trains and the bears. It’s hard because when he’s there you can’t tell how he feels. He is just taking it all in. And it isn’t until we leave and he cries or when we pull in the driveway at home and he says “one day we‘ll go back to the condo” that you understand that he had fun and how he felt about it. I’m overjoyed that he had fun. I just wonder how we can mesh the gap between us having a relaxing time as well. It’s prob not possible. The stress over cathing times. Having to do the enema twice on vacation. And timing that. He can only eat Particular foods still. Both because of chewing/choking and overall digestion/bowel issues. I feel stressed and exhausted because I feel like we will need to be his best friends forever. Which is beautiful. And I love. But then it’s daunting and worrisome because how long will i be able to live a healthy and active enough life to keep up with him. And it’s sad and soul crushing because he doesn’t have friends and because of communication and just kind of the way he is that it’s unlikely he will make real friends. He’s such a beautiful and caring young boy. He’s my world but it’s hard to do everything the right way. And be everything he needs me to be. I look back i regret not making certain financial decisions with crypto. Decisions that could have provided life-changing wealth. Wealth that would mean I could focus on our health, enjoyment and passions instead of worrying about cutting lawns. Cutting lawns yesterday after being up most of the night with stomach issues, then driving 3.5 hours home. Then going right to cutting lawns for 4 hours. My wife does it all with a smile and like a champ. She is better than me in almost every way. I have this feeling that no one understands or will understand. Until they experience. Even during my interaction with that asshole white privileged school teacher. Who was pissed at my over a parking spot. I could never fully articulate to her. What my day is like. What my life is like. I know I need to turn that feeling into fuel for my fire. I need to use that feeling to help others. Help other families. With IEPs or in whatever way. I also know I feel this way partially because I’ve worked out once in the last 2 weeks and I’ve drank almost every night i have been home between the wedding getaway and the vacation. Both unhealthy. We are forever on this island. I just want to build the best island possible.